A good sign I need to go to bed:  when I reach for a drink…and notice my Sobe lid is on my bottle of lithium…and the red Rx lid is on the Sobe bottle.  Niiiice!

I am so angry, so fucking angry I don’t know how to stop shaking. I am sad, am hurt, upset, and angry angry angry. But most of all, I’m lost…because I’ve been told my daughter was bored when she was here last holiday. I was told I didn’t care, that I didn’t call enough, that I should’ve asked about her, her school, that if I had I would know she had a learning disability, that she cries when she hangs up with me, is upset I don’t talk about what she wants to talk about, that I don’t send enough presents to her and it upsets her because she doesn’t get as many as her step-sister gets from her dad…and and…that she doesn’t want to talk to me, doesn’t want to call me on the phone.

I am angry at the person who told me these things because she was rude and mean about how she did it, she wasn’t trying to help me be a better mom but was putting me down, was condescending and wouldn’t let me talk or ask questions. I was on defense the whole time…is it any wonder I’m afraid to call and talk about my girl because of newbie step-mom? It’s like sixth grade all over again, afraid, fearful of the bully that talks louder and faster.

I am most devastated by what was said about how my daughter feels because I am afraid they are true and that hurts, hurts so much to think it’s even possible that my girl doesn’t know how much I care about her, doesn’t know she is my world, that I do everything for her, that I today I choose to stay alive because of her.

I am so disconnected from my daughter’s world and I hate it! I love her so much but am states away. I don’t know what to do in this situation other than try my hardest and apparently it’s not enough. The thought of her not living with me until she’s twelve (and if that changes, the way they’re going, seems like she doesn’t want me anymore) is painful, that I would be so separated from her…physically hurts.

Considering I didn’t sleep last night I feel great! What sucks is knowing sometime in the near future I’m going to be all fuckered up. Moods will be completely unpredictable and my libido, whooo boy, A better be prepared. I’d love to say a night without sleep is no biggie, but I am all too familiar with the consequences, and not just the 2pm crash.

At least the web site comp I worked on until I ran out the door to the gym kicks ass!

Yeah, this is what happens when I get all mopey over the weekend and “forget” to work on a project, when in reality I just didn’t have the energy nor desire to do anything but stay in bed and watch tv.

Oh…and it was 30 degrees this morning. In Southern California. WTF?!?!