I love my parents, I really do, and I appreciate that they listened to me have a serious freak out session over the phone (while driving…not good). But what I hate, what really pisses me off, especially since my dad is bi-polar, mom depressed, that one of the first things they ask me is if I’ve been taking my meds.

Am I not allowed to be emotional?! Does every feeling and emotion have to be explained by medication or lack thereof? Why the fuck can’t I just be upset? Only fifteen minutes prior to calling them I was hunky dory, enjoying a tea while chatting with a friend. EVERYONE has issues, gets upset, throws hissyfits in their own way when things aren’t going well, when they’re sad, when they’re confused, angry or royally pissed off the veins are popping on their foreheads. It happens to those who don’t take meds, who don’t have to rely on nasty tasting, peach-colored caplets to retain some sense of normalcy.

So yes, I took my meds…last night and the night before and the night before. And so on and so forth, because dammit, I may hate these things but I do what I have to do to remain “stable”, to show that yes, I can take care of this thirty-year old woman even when no one else thinks so.

I was not freaking out because I didn’t take my medication. I was (and kinda still am) freaking out because my world was snatched from under me and it hurt.

It hurt, because I have emotions and I feel.

You’d think by now that they would understand what NOT to say to me.

I am so angry, so fucking angry I don’t know how to stop shaking. I am sad, am hurt, upset, and angry angry angry. But most of all, I’m lost…because I’ve been told my daughter was bored when she was here last holiday. I was told I didn’t care, that I didn’t call enough, that I should’ve asked about her, her school, that if I had I would know she had a learning disability, that she cries when she hangs up with me, is upset I don’t talk about what she wants to talk about, that I don’t send enough presents to her and it upsets her because she doesn’t get as many as her step-sister gets from her dad…and and…that she doesn’t want to talk to me, doesn’t want to call me on the phone.

I am angry at the person who told me these things because she was rude and mean about how she did it, she wasn’t trying to help me be a better mom but was putting me down, was condescending and wouldn’t let me talk or ask questions. I was on defense the whole time…is it any wonder I’m afraid to call and talk about my girl because of newbie step-mom? It’s like sixth grade all over again, afraid, fearful of the bully that talks louder and faster.

I am most devastated by what was said about how my daughter feels because I am afraid they are true and that hurts, hurts so much to think it’s even possible that my girl doesn’t know how much I care about her, doesn’t know she is my world, that I do everything for her, that I today I choose to stay alive because of her.

I am so disconnected from my daughter’s world and I hate it! I love her so much but am states away. I don’t know what to do in this situation other than try my hardest and apparently it’s not enough. The thought of her not living with me until she’s twelve (and if that changes, the way they’re going, seems like she doesn’t want me anymore) is painful, that I would be so separated from her…physically hurts.

Today was one of those days.  Yeah, you know, the ones that never seem to end but are moving way too fast to accomplish everything when it needs to be done, with the added bonus of pointless calls from clients .  I actually managed everything quite well, but there was an hour in the middle of the day when I nearly hung up mid-conversation, shut my computer down, locked up and drove off singing along to David Cassidy’s “I Think I Love You”.

Instead, I politely listened to the client reiterate what he wanted for the third time, thanked him for reviewing the proof (which he hadn’t), hung up the phone and cried.  A minute later I ungraciously blew my nose, wiped my face, adjusted my chair and picked the phone up to move forward.  If only I worked in “waste management”.

I can’t keep this hilarious site to myself: Make My Logo Bigger Cream!

Fellow designers around the would will enjoy but please, don’t pass on to those who hire us. I fear they’d actually believe the products exist hehe. I can’t tell you how many times in the past month my largest client has asked for “more starbursts” or “can you make my logo bigger?”. Oh, yeah, and car dealers have no idea what the concept of “white space” is.