My daughter is here, we’ve been busy, went to Disneyland, visited my friend in San Diego and all out having a blast. If I could just have a moment to take a breathe then I’d be good. Having an awesome time, though. I’d promise more writing but I have no idea if that’s possible at the moment. Until then, know all is well.

Apparently I’ve acquired change as an acquaintance against my preference. I fight it, try to settle in a comfy, cozy world of routine and things expected, and once again, change weezles its way in. Phooey!

So here I am in a new place I hope to stay in for at least a year, if not longer. What was so devastating, discovering the last place was being sold without the landlord informing us, ended up becoming positive. I now have an amazing roommate (owner of the house) I’ve already had awesome discussions with, and a place that actually feels like home.

Last night, I added to this feeling home by placing all my pictures and art on the walls of my room, because to me, pictures on the wall means home. There are still a number of things to be put away but will be done later this week, soon as I pick up a replacement shelving unit for my daughter’s toys. My room is welcoming, but so is the rest of the house, such a vast change from my previous giant box of distant roommates and rarely utilized rooms.

I suppose change can be a good thing, when it’s not throwing my simple life for a whirl.

(I will reply to people soon…I know I’m far too behind. I just need to get everything in perfect order, papers sorted, life, etc. before I can focus long enough to reply. Thank you for your patience.)

Long story short, I didn’t get the place I thought, so no view of the valley but my new place rocks even more so and there’s still a nice view of the golf course from the back patio. For once, I used the brains and hired movers and it sure was a please showing them where to put the mattress instead of nearly killing myself in a struggle to move it. Weeee!

My new roommate is awesome, has a calico cat named Charlie, and three boys that visit every other weekend. Having only one roommate instead of a houseful of them will make a gigantic difference when my girl is here, and I just know she’ll love it.

I can feel the writing cravings creep up on me so I know I’ll be posting on here more. Woo hoo, I’m baaaack!

I’m moving. Again.

Yeah.  I really just want some downtime but hey, one day.

Meanwhile, new room is cheaper and has a kick ass view of the whole valley.  Sweetness!

And I’m totally paying for movers this time.

Aaah, what a beautiful sight this morning, waking up to clear skies, walking out to my car shielding my eyes instead of stepping around puddles. And it was a nice warm 51 degrees! Wow, who’d have thunk I’m actually in Southern California?

I also love seeing the moon when the sun is out and there’s always a moment where I pause, unable to move when I spot it up there against the blue. As if there’s a magnet holding me there and then whoosh, I’m let free of the pull and I can keep walking. Yeah, the moon does weird things to me. (I had a huge post in my head about what happened with the total lunar eclipse last week but due to the affects let’s just say I was fucked with in a very negative mentally funked up way and leave it at that)

My days have been difficult to start, but I’ve grumbled and climbed out of bed, quickly packed my gym back and stumbled down the stairs each morning. It’s not that I’m upset or hate work, I just can’t seem to get enough sleep. Last night as I struggled to stay awake so I could talk to someone (sshhh, possible more on that in the future) I fell asleep on my laptop, glasses on. Buggers. Once again, I am soooo tired and extremely annoyed by this. I’d be stupid to wish mania and the ability to survive on minimal hours of sleep but the thought is there nonetheless.

But there is sun, so hopefully my brain will perk up some as it realizes it is there and remembers ah, warmth, light…weeee!

I have few friends. Okay, I have a couple of handfuls of people I talk to and consider friends but I have only a small number of people I trust with my life and with my secrets. Even still, each of them know different secrets, different sides of me, and not one knows the whole me. Nothing against them and it’s somewhat unintentional, but everyone is different, has various personalities, interests, biases and so we all click in our different slots, nonetheless, we click.

Then there’s N. Last year during the Summer I met N. in my indoor cycling class at the gym, and since then we’ve spent more and more time together. N. continues to push me at the gym, encouraging me (and daring…he’s already learned) to try different classes, or to come in when I really didn’t want to (Thursday 5:45AM classes are insane but at least I don’t suffer alone). It all started with meeting for coffee after our evening workouts and it’s a tradition we continue. In fact, even after a day at Knott’s and my emotional hissyfit I threw when we got lost, we still had to stop for coffee once we found our way.

When I had no family to celebrate Thanksgiving with, I was invited to his brother’s (more so he didn’t have to suffer alone), and Christmas Eve was spent in TJ with N., his partner and his family. When my daughter visited over the holidays he bought her a gift, made faces with her and and hung out with me and my (tiny) family until they kicked us out.

The greatest aspect of this new friendship isn’t so much what we do, but what I have learned, what he has taught me…about me. My friends reading this all know how stubborn and headstrong I am. N. just blasts right through my reasoning and determination to be right and tells it how it is. No bullshit, no niceties (well, ok, he is nice, just doesn’t sugarcoat anything). As we were driving around after Knott’s, me near tears (eventually got there), irritated with N. and raising my voice because I didn’t know where I was he asked me why I was “throwing a fit” and stated I should  just stay calm. Bah. That didn’t go over very well. After nearly running through a red light, I let N. drive (he insisted). Calming down, trying to explain to him why I just couldn’t “not freak out” in situations like that moment, that I panic when I don’t know where I am…he drives past an officer, and pulls out of the parking lot…in the entrance lane. My tears of frustration gave way to laughter, stress and panic was gone and we joked a few until we soon quietly found our way home (thanks to a helpful sister and online map over the phone).

A situation we still joke about (”hey, at least I didn’t make my own lane”), it did change me a little. Ok, a lot. He wasn’t telling me I couldn’t get upset, but to just take a figurative step back and see what I can do first. Sure, when I’m manic it’s a lot easier said than done, but since then I’ve noticed a change and it’s refreshing. Not just the outlook, but the idea that I CAN change, I can be different than who I think I am.

Sure, seems silly maybe, its these little things that are keeping me happy and looking forward to each day even when they’re not always engulfing me in goodness.

Sleepytime for me, but one last thing I’ve learned from N. Hugs are not overrated but completely underutilized. They are awesome and there can never be too many. Perfect after a long day of idiotic clients who can’t make up their minds and aside from a scream, the best thing ever on a damn fine day. The reason why hugs are so fantabulous? Because even just a quickie one as we split to our own cars, it’s still a connection, a moment where someone demonstrates you’re worth that second they take to pause and hug.

falling on my head like a new emotion.

And he’s gone. Soon was more like “in a few”. Queue the rolling credits…

Aaaah, sure is awesome to feel alive again. It’s the aftertaste of reality that brings on vertigo and a world of hurt which sucks. Again, it is refreshing to know I can feel, not just crave. Life is so awesome and fucked up in that way.

Phhffft!

Yikes, I have transformed into a sap in less than week…not right. Fret no more, as of tomorrow, after my brief moment of self-pity, head pounding, listening to aggressive music to deaden the “why me, the world is soo unfair” voices, I’ll be back to my usual “go me”, wonder woman able to leap high curbs and survive on sex alone. Yeeeah!

*very heavy sigh*

“I’m glad to say that we’ve met
But I’m sad to say that the circumstances weren’t
on our side”

- What if We Said, Blue October

Life has a twisted sense of humor, much greater than mine even when I’m in the oddest moods. It figures that I find someone that interests me so much, I’m attracted to, feel like I can be myself around, we have tons to talk about…and he will most likely be leaving and returning to his job in another country soon. Yeah, Karma, I know I was messed up ten years ago, but come on, can’t I catch a break?!

The last couple evenings have been a blur, the first night reminiscent of Jesse and Celine in Before Sunrise. There’s a connection and I’m going to enjoy it while things last, no worries, no expectations because damn, life is meant to be lived. I could go on and on about how much I adore and what I like about him but I’m gonna spare ya. Unless of course something big happens, but until then, I’ll glide along in my bliss.

I adore my landlord. He’s way too cute, this Italian that reminds me of Helio Castroneves but brings an additional sense of hunkiness to mind. G has a very kind soul (sadly I believe he is taken though I really shouldn’t cross that line), and we clicked the first time I toured the house I now rent a room in. Over the couple months I’ve been here I’ve helped him out by showing the other available rooms to prospects, knowing G lives at least 45 minutes away. I don’t expect anything out of it, just doing it because it’s the considering thing to do, I remember how difficult it can be to manage rental property…and I like helping people when possible.

Over time he has sent me text messages or emails in response to my help. They range from “YOU…. ARE… AWESOMELY STUPENDIDLYLICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU SUPER GIRL!!!!!!!!!!” to “yer a good egg”. Earlier this afternoon I received an email from him regarding getting the new roommate (she’s hot!) hooked up with cable. Here’s how he ended his message:

PS–you are THE most advanced prototype for kindness and
general likeability!

I must say, he really does know how to complement someone, and as I told G before, I need to keep his messages around for a morale boost on the not-so-positive days.

I am thirty years old and just now owning my first relatively new, not crappy, piece-o-junk car. This is a huge moment and one a part of me always felt would never happen. Granted, I didn’t own my first car until a little over five years ago, but something in me kept saying I was never meant to have a good, reliable car. Yeah, crazy, I know, but self-reasoning is never very reasonable.

My financial history has been rocky and still continues to be so. A typical manifestation of bipolar disorder manic states did not escape my life and I made some very costly purchases in the past. Extreme, over-the-top, totally unnecessary, but they happened, and still I pay for them, literally, as the credit score displays my previous lack of judgment.

It all seemed as if it was just meant to be. Stupid, and totally a defeatist outlook, I drove my leaking and radio absent vehicle for months and years, resigned to the idea I was stuck. With such poor history, I felt like I didn’t deserve more, that with all my idiotic mistakes I shouldn’t try to replace my current POS with another lame car. Why should someone give me credit, trust me, give me a chance, when I’m just going to fuck it up again?

I was too afraid to take the chance myself, but finally, I did, and I’m glad I spoke up and went for something I wanted (and needed). So many situations have happened to me in the past couple years that I had no control over but I’ve always plowed through, suffering, surviving, and somehow coming out…maybe not strong, but at least alive. I don’t expect people to help me, to save me and it turns out I needed to save myself.

Earlier this year I remember reading a friend describe how she excited she was about her new BMW and how she wasn’t going to hide it nor apologize for it and I recall feeling very happy for her. But then I felt down, like great, I’ll never get to that point, where I have something like that. No I don’t have BMW (one day…I know I will), but I have a new car that I picked out, I wanted. I am worthy of this car and dammit, I deserve it. I deserve to have a set of wheels that looks good, that feels good, that has extra features like a dimming rear view window and a stereo that my mp3 player easily connects to. It’s the little things, the gadgets and feeling of satisfaction, knowing I worked hard and will work even harder to pay for this car.

I nearly started crying when the sales manager handed over the keys to me, but I held it in until I made it off the lot. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but realizing there is more for me than I thought, that’s a little bit of happiness right there.