Apparently I’ve acquired change as an acquaintance against my preference. I fight it, try to settle in a comfy, cozy world of routine and things expected, and once again, change weezles its way in. Phooey!

So here I am in a new place I hope to stay in for at least a year, if not longer. What was so devastating, discovering the last place was being sold without the landlord informing us, ended up becoming positive. I now have an amazing roommate (owner of the house) I’ve already had awesome discussions with, and a place that actually feels like home.

Last night, I added to this feeling home by placing all my pictures and art on the walls of my room, because to me, pictures on the wall means home. There are still a number of things to be put away but will be done later this week, soon as I pick up a replacement shelving unit for my daughter’s toys. My room is welcoming, but so is the rest of the house, such a vast change from my previous giant box of distant roommates and rarely utilized rooms.

I suppose change can be a good thing, when it’s not throwing my simple life for a whirl.

(I will reply to people soon…I know I’m far too behind. I just need to get everything in perfect order, papers sorted, life, etc. before I can focus long enough to reply. Thank you for your patience.)

Long story short, I didn’t get the place I thought, so no view of the valley but my new place rocks even more so and there’s still a nice view of the golf course from the back patio. For once, I used the brains and hired movers and it sure was a please showing them where to put the mattress instead of nearly killing myself in a struggle to move it. Weeee!

My new roommate is awesome, has a calico cat named Charlie, and three boys that visit every other weekend. Having only one roommate instead of a houseful of them will make a gigantic difference when my girl is here, and I just know she’ll love it.

I can feel the writing cravings creep up on me so I know I’ll be posting on here more. Woo hoo, I’m baaaack!

I have few friends. Okay, I have a couple of handfuls of people I talk to and consider friends but I have only a small number of people I trust with my life and with my secrets. Even still, each of them know different secrets, different sides of me, and not one knows the whole me. Nothing against them and it’s somewhat unintentional, but everyone is different, has various personalities, interests, biases and so we all click in our different slots, nonetheless, we click.

Then there’s N. Last year during the Summer I met N. in my indoor cycling class at the gym, and since then we’ve spent more and more time together. N. continues to push me at the gym, encouraging me (and daring…he’s already learned) to try different classes, or to come in when I really didn’t want to (Thursday 5:45AM classes are insane but at least I don’t suffer alone). It all started with meeting for coffee after our evening workouts and it’s a tradition we continue. In fact, even after a day at Knott’s and my emotional hissyfit I threw when we got lost, we still had to stop for coffee once we found our way.

When I had no family to celebrate Thanksgiving with, I was invited to his brother’s (more so he didn’t have to suffer alone), and Christmas Eve was spent in TJ with N., his partner and his family. When my daughter visited over the holidays he bought her a gift, made faces with her and and hung out with me and my (tiny) family until they kicked us out.

The greatest aspect of this new friendship isn’t so much what we do, but what I have learned, what he has taught me…about me. My friends reading this all know how stubborn and headstrong I am. N. just blasts right through my reasoning and determination to be right and tells it how it is. No bullshit, no niceties (well, ok, he is nice, just doesn’t sugarcoat anything). As we were driving around after Knott’s, me near tears (eventually got there), irritated with N. and raising my voice because I didn’t know where I was he asked me why I was “throwing a fit” and stated I should  just stay calm. Bah. That didn’t go over very well. After nearly running through a red light, I let N. drive (he insisted). Calming down, trying to explain to him why I just couldn’t “not freak out” in situations like that moment, that I panic when I don’t know where I am…he drives past an officer, and pulls out of the parking lot…in the entrance lane. My tears of frustration gave way to laughter, stress and panic was gone and we joked a few until we soon quietly found our way home (thanks to a helpful sister and online map over the phone).

A situation we still joke about (”hey, at least I didn’t make my own lane”), it did change me a little. Ok, a lot. He wasn’t telling me I couldn’t get upset, but to just take a figurative step back and see what I can do first. Sure, when I’m manic it’s a lot easier said than done, but since then I’ve noticed a change and it’s refreshing. Not just the outlook, but the idea that I CAN change, I can be different than who I think I am.

Sure, seems silly maybe, its these little things that are keeping me happy and looking forward to each day even when they’re not always engulfing me in goodness.

Sleepytime for me, but one last thing I’ve learned from N. Hugs are not overrated but completely underutilized. They are awesome and there can never be too many. Perfect after a long day of idiotic clients who can’t make up their minds and aside from a scream, the best thing ever on a damn fine day. The reason why hugs are so fantabulous? Because even just a quickie one as we split to our own cars, it’s still a connection, a moment where someone demonstrates you’re worth that second they take to pause and hug.

I am thirty years old and just now owning my first relatively new, not crappy, piece-o-junk car. This is a huge moment and one a part of me always felt would never happen. Granted, I didn’t own my first car until a little over five years ago, but something in me kept saying I was never meant to have a good, reliable car. Yeah, crazy, I know, but self-reasoning is never very reasonable.

My financial history has been rocky and still continues to be so. A typical manifestation of bipolar disorder manic states did not escape my life and I made some very costly purchases in the past. Extreme, over-the-top, totally unnecessary, but they happened, and still I pay for them, literally, as the credit score displays my previous lack of judgment.

It all seemed as if it was just meant to be. Stupid, and totally a defeatist outlook, I drove my leaking and radio absent vehicle for months and years, resigned to the idea I was stuck. With such poor history, I felt like I didn’t deserve more, that with all my idiotic mistakes I shouldn’t try to replace my current POS with another lame car. Why should someone give me credit, trust me, give me a chance, when I’m just going to fuck it up again?

I was too afraid to take the chance myself, but finally, I did, and I’m glad I spoke up and went for something I wanted (and needed). So many situations have happened to me in the past couple years that I had no control over but I’ve always plowed through, suffering, surviving, and somehow coming out…maybe not strong, but at least alive. I don’t expect people to help me, to save me and it turns out I needed to save myself.

Earlier this year I remember reading a friend describe how she excited she was about her new BMW and how she wasn’t going to hide it nor apologize for it and I recall feeling very happy for her. But then I felt down, like great, I’ll never get to that point, where I have something like that. No I don’t have BMW (one day…I know I will), but I have a new car that I picked out, I wanted. I am worthy of this car and dammit, I deserve it. I deserve to have a set of wheels that looks good, that feels good, that has extra features like a dimming rear view window and a stereo that my mp3 player easily connects to. It’s the little things, the gadgets and feeling of satisfaction, knowing I worked hard and will work even harder to pay for this car.

I nearly started crying when the sales manager handed over the keys to me, but I held it in until I made it off the lot. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but realizing there is more for me than I thought, that’s a little bit of happiness right there.

Holy shit! I no longer drive a POS car that barely made it from point A to B. Woo hoo!!!

Thanks to one of my firm’s clients (would mention their name but I know they check their referrers) I received a killer deal earlier. My previous car (Jr.) had been acting up beyond what I could financially afford, leaks, radiator, but the blown head gasket was what had me browsing the used car ads. Knowing I would utilize my employment connections I took interest in their listings and after a couple days discovered the car I really really really had to have.The best part, it was within my price range. After work today, with a promise over the phone from the General Manager that I would be “taken care of” by his best, I drove off the lot with a black 2004 Saturn Ion 3.

The rental car feeling is still there but I’m gradually becoming acquainted with my new friend as I drive around the city. Key highlights are power steering (will have to work the arms harder in the gym now), air conditioning (finally!!!), and a radio. Not only a radio, but one with an audio jack on front so after a $5 audio cable purchase I was enjoying my mp3 player.

Perhaps the newness will ware off, but I am happy with my decision (and the low payments rock). I’m glad I was able to get what I wanted and didn’t have to settle.

Oooh, I’m so excited! I can’t wait to park in the lot at work by my coworkers so they’ll see the dealer plate sign, knowing they’ll have to ask. Yeah, new toy, new toy!!

A little over a week in the new place and I seem to be pretty comfortable and cozy. There’s a stack of Ziploc Big Bags against the wall, full of blankets and clothes I’ll be donating, as well as a few random items on the floor that have yet to find their place.

I rarely see my new roommates, partially due to our various work/lifestyle hours, but mostly due to my room being up the spiral staircase, down the hall and in the back corner, furthest away from anyone else. The kitchen is ginormous, twice the size, if not more, of my previous rental…and has three refrigerators. At least there’s no arguing over storage in the cupboards and fridges.

Stuff…I tend to have a lot of stuff, big, small, needed, unnecessary, and each time I moved, I repacked it, loaded, unloaded and put it somewhere, usually nowhere in particular. Many times, some things would shuffle from one place to the other with no designated “place”, becoming a floater. This last move, I changed my ways and ditched tons of items that I’ve rarely or never used, said farewell to clothes, books, kitchenware and well…just stuff. Fewer boxes was an obvious benefit, but the original sinking feeling as if I was losing something became a relief and I was grateful to leave it all behind (or donate). Even still, I’ve found others to separate with as I unpacked, and as I filled a bag with hangers (where did I get so many?), another with bedding I’ll never use again, I welcomed the self-provided freedom from the “what-ifs” and “maybes” I previously held on to.

No, I’m not leaving this domain but I AM changing my physical address this weekend. For the 15th time since 1995. Sheesh!

For the first time that I can remember, I am not stressed, I am not panicked and I actually packed the majority of my items beforehand. This is huuuge progress! That’s not to say I haven’t been busy and running around working on all the details, but it hasn’t been in a frenzy, and oh, what a welcomed change.

For many reasons, I had to leave the my current address and find something new. Luckily, I discovered a house which nearly went unnoticed, so I think the house actually found me. My commute will be roughly five minutes longer, but the freeway still won’t be required and it’s pretty much a straight shot. From one side of the city to the other, I will stuff my Budget truck and hopefully not injure or bruise too much tomorrow.

While I dislike moving very much so (was thrilled to stay in a place nearly two years), I am looking forward to the fresh start once again….and my day of recovery on Sunday.