For once I’m not talking about my head. After a weekend of dancing for hours and last night’s spin class, I feel like my knees are ready to slip out again, that I’m walking around like Mr. Bojangles.

Every day I hurt; there’s always some amount of pain I feel, whether it’s my ankles, knees, wrists, back, the pain exists no matter if I exercise or not. Some days I know it’s my osteoarthritis, other days I have no clue as to the cause other than my lovely genetic disorder and predisposition for weak ass bones and joints. I do know that when I exercise I ache less, and feeling my thighs tight because of a strong resistance session or my core holding me stable as I climb the horrendous stairs at work, it’s worth it effort.

I just wish I had confidence in my knees, that they won’t give out on me. My new cycling shoes have helped immensely, easing my ankle pain, but I still hesitate when rising out of the saddle. Often, there’s a tightness, like the knee or tendon is rubbing against something in a way it shouldn’t.  Other times, there’s no stability, and I end up relying on my right leg for balance and pushing off.  Last night, I think I discovered a good solution, at least temporary, and from now on, during the sessions with a lot of fast out of the saddle pushes, I’ll sit them out, but still push with higher resistance. That way, when I do stand up, I can really give it a go and my knees are more stable. It seemed to work last night but at the same time I hated that I have to adjust the routine to something different than the rest of the class.

I look around and although I shouldn’t compare myself to everyone else, I can’t help it. I wonder if they think I’m weak, that the overweight chick can’t handle it. And yet, I know I can, when my knees are strong, when they’re not moving back and forth in their socket or whatever it’s called. I want to scream to everyone that I’m not giving up, that dammit, I’m just trying to work with my messed up joints instead of destroy them. These aren’t joints began deteriorating when I was twelve, so each day I push but I feel like one day I’m going to push too far and once again my knee will dislocate. I love the burn, the sweat, and the rush at the end of each workout but I’m still trying to figure out what I can do and question if I’ll ever know.

My hips and knees seem to ache a lot more this week, most noticeably my knees while Spinning. I could barely stay “out of the saddle” and had to lower my resistance AND cadence the majority of this morning’s session. Blech. I felt totally useless, but at least I made it out of bed and to the gym. Maybe my moving the weekend before has the joints a bit more worn…I should probably give them a rest, but it’s so difficult to sit it out or slow down from the usual routine.

I’d love to go for a walk around the new neighborhood, but with the darkness easing in earlier, even more so starting tomorrow, it looks like the great idea will have to wait. No matter how safe an area seems I just don’t feel comfortable walking in the dark and if I’m not at ease, then I return home with even more tension than prior.

Exercise isn’t enjoyable to me lately and I can’t figure out why. Usually I leave the gym feeling pumped, but each day I have to convince myself to make the right turns on the road to reach the gym, or else I’ll head directly home with exerting any effort. Change could the cause, but whatever it is I need to knock it off or I’ll lose the joy of weights and sweating. Can’t let that happen!

Now that I have a trustworthy car, one I’m not afraid will leave me abandoned as far away from civilization as possible, I might try more hiking on the weekends. There are only so many options within a short driving distance of my home, but when given a larger area, I should be able to try some trails in Orange or San Diego County. There’s one in Irvine and another in San Diego County that I pass by when visiting friends, and according to reviews online seem quite promising. Time to break in the hiking shoes…anyone in the Southern California area who would love a hiking partner? I’m there!