My arms are vibrating as if I hit the funny bone, but it’s been going on all day. I thought perhaps it was from typing too much and the carpal tunnel numbness and tingling, but even if I’m standing, it continues. If i try stop the feelings from taking over, by clenching my hands or moving my arms around, my limbs tense up. I’m beginning to feel pretty freakish, something I should be used to after years of physical problems, but vibrating arms and hands is definitely a new one.

All this is making it very difficult to type! Oh, and a mouse? I keep clicking on the wrong things because my hand will make a sudden twitch and send the mouse in a different direction.

I’ve considered I might be toxic or having a reaction to m lithium but last I checked the side-affects list “vibrating arms” wasn’t included. I suppose it might be an extension of the twitching, brought on by possible dehydration, but not with my recent water intake.

Ah, a mystery. Once again, as life is never boring with me.

So here I am in a new place I hope to stay in for at least a year, if not longer. What was so devastating, discovering the last place was being sold without the landlord informing us, ended up becoming positive. I now have an amazing roommate (owner of the house) I’ve already had awesome discussions with, and a place that actually feels like home.

Last night, I added to this feeling home by placing all my pictures and art on the walls of my room, because to me, pictures on the wall means home. There are still a number of things to be put away but will be done later this week, soon as I pick up a replacement shelving unit for my daughter’s toys. My room is welcoming, but so is the rest of the house, such a vast change from my previous giant box of distant roommates and rarely utilized rooms.

I suppose change can be a good thing, when it’s not throwing my simple life for a whirl.

(I will reply to people soon…I know I’m far too behind. I just need to get everything in perfect order, papers sorted, life, etc. before I can focus long enough to reply. Thank you for your patience.)

My new roommate is awesome, has a calico cat named Charlie, and three boys that visit every other weekend. Having only one roommate instead of a houseful of them will make a gigantic difference when my girl is here, and I just know she’ll love it.

I can feel the writing cravings creep up on me so I know I’ll be posting on here more. Woo hoo, I’m baaaack!

Yeah.  I really just want some downtime but hey, one day.

Meanwhile, new room is cheaper and has a kick ass view of the whole valley.  Sweetness!

And I’m totally paying for movers this time.

Am I not allowed to be emotional?! Does every feeling and emotion have to be explained by medication or lack thereof? Why the fuck can’t I just be upset? Only fifteen minutes prior to calling them I was hunky dory, enjoying a tea while chatting with a friend. EVERYONE has issues, gets upset, throws hissyfits in their own way when things aren’t going well, when they’re sad, when they’re confused, angry or royally pissed off the veins are popping on their foreheads. It happens to those who don’t take meds, who don’t have to rely on nasty tasting, peach-colored caplets to retain some sense of normalcy.

So yes, I took my meds…last night and the night before and the night before. And so on and so forth, because dammit, I may hate these things but I do what I have to do to remain “stable”, to show that yes, I can take care of this thirty-year old woman even when no one else thinks so.

I was not freaking out because I didn’t take my medication. I was (and kinda still am) freaking out because my world was snatched from under me and it hurt.

It hurt, because I have emotions and I feel.

You’d think by now that they would understand what NOT to say to me.

I am angry at the person who told me these things because she was rude and mean about how she did it, she wasn’t trying to help me be a better mom but was putting me down, was condescending and wouldn’t let me talk or ask questions. I was on defense the whole time…is it any wonder I’m afraid to call and talk about my girl because of newbie step-mom? It’s like sixth grade all over again, afraid, fearful of the bully that talks louder and faster.

I am most devastated by what was said about how my daughter feels because I am afraid they are true and that hurts, hurts so much to think it’s even possible that my girl doesn’t know how much I care about her, doesn’t know she is my world, that I do everything for her, that I today I choose to stay alive because of her.

I am so disconnected from my daughter’s world and I hate it! I love her so much but am states away. I don’t know what to do in this situation other than try my hardest and apparently it’s not enough. The thought of her not living with me until she’s twelve (and if that changes, the way they’re going, seems like she doesn’t want me anymore) is painful, that I would be so separated from her…physically hurts.

I also love seeing the moon when the sun is out and there’s always a moment where I pause, unable to move when I spot it up there against the blue. As if there’s a magnet holding me there and then whoosh, I’m let free of the pull and I can keep walking. Yeah, the moon does weird things to me. (I had a huge post in my head about what happened with the total lunar eclipse last week but due to the affects let’s just say I was fucked with in a very negative mentally funked up way and leave it at that)

My days have been difficult to start, but I’ve grumbled and climbed out of bed, quickly packed my gym back and stumbled down the stairs each morning. It’s not that I’m upset or hate work, I just can’t seem to get enough sleep. Last night as I struggled to stay awake so I could talk to someone (sshhh, possible more on that in the future) I fell asleep on my laptop, glasses on. Buggers. Once again, I am soooo tired and extremely annoyed by this. I’d be stupid to wish mania and the ability to survive on minimal hours of sleep but the thought is there nonetheless.

But there is sun, so hopefully my brain will perk up some as it realizes it is there and remembers ah, warmth, light…weeee!